that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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