just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
