I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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