you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
