theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think my moral compass just broke
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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