I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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