somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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