I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
