You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
