I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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