I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
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Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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