Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
