I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
