discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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