ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
