I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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