tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
