My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
