went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
