I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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