I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
