There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
