i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
