Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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