It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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