So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize