Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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