can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
