So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
