Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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