I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
