Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
