you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
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I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
MIDGETS
????
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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