he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
