It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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