LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
