Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
