I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
