Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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