dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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