I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
