the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
