OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
