Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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