I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
