just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
