She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
