I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
FUCK WHALES
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
