I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
