I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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