I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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