Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
