just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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