Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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