Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
