Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
