Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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