my mouth tastes like poor choices
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
