I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
