I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
